22.11.10 @ [
8:33 AM]
нαиγα тυнαи вϊѕα мзмϊѕαнкαи кϊтα
my tamaguchi just went out to check up .
pity for her & yes im worried !
she didnt sleep well last night .
banyak bangun not like the other days .
tidur nyenyak je .
last night was another bad night for me & her .
take turn sey mother & me to carry her .
also 3 pampers already got blood from her asshole .
i really dont know why .
i feel im so useless mother .
last night also whenever i wanna susu her , she push my breast away which i definately do not know why .
i feel that my susu got something wrong thats why she tolak till she got blood discharge from her asshole .
i wanted to follow her go poly same time can check on me also but mother say how i want to keluar dengan muke , mate bengkak gini .
ya la , my eyes so bengkak .
been crying the whole night .
infact baru ni also tengah makan tetibe bayang muke anak aku , aku nangis lagi .
i dont know why i feel sad this few days looking at her .
kat hospital all takde pape sey , happy je .
whenever i look at her , i always feel sad pasal i cant stop thinking can she accept who she is when she grows up in years to come .
2nd is can she accept me as a mother ?
i know im a bad mother .
a good mother wont do this to their children .
good mother wont let their children live in the world in a wrong way .
she really change me , my thinking , my everything .
whether she grow up to be a good girl or no , i dont mind .
all i am thinking is can she accept herself as anak diluar nikah .
i myself living happily as anak yang sah but im too selfish to let her live as anak luar nikah .
seriously when everybody ask me to abort her , i feel like killing myself .
i promise myself , whatever happen im gonna be with her .
if she die , i'll die too .
& i managed to save her from dying .
seriously i feel guilty .
every night ever since she's out to this world , i've been asking forgiveness from allah .
may allah forgive me & my biggest sin ever .
may allah guide & bring me & daughter to the right way , right path , clean life .
amin !
нея ωояδѕ • нзя ѕαγ ♥
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November 2008
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